"No pressure if not"

Trying to figure out "time"

I’m…so tired!!

Time is all we have. We can’t take it with us, but in the time that we have it we can leave something behind. A precious gift, time. And I’m both honored to receive it as well as share it.

These days I want to make more time: I don’t want to waste it, but to feel it pass slowly. And I don’t need to fill my cup, I just want to sip it. It’s definitely also that “time” of the month soon which explains why so much of my emotions are flowing tonight. But instead of calling such a pattern a “syndrome” to fear and manage, I’d rather see this moment as a gift of wisdom and higher intuition granted to us.
So I’m diving in.

So yes…these days I’m reflecting on what to focus on. Why do I feel so greedy? I want time in all it’s flavors: social, but mostly hermit. Nature but always city. New York, but what of Paris? To stay in the pool, but a picnic in the park! A sail, but also to stay in bed. Forest dinners, and a tub to stargaze in. Dawn, but also midnight. Feeling productive, but also wanting to enjoy that calm which comes from study! A life of my own, but also to share. What can I let go, what to keep and care? What of these flavors are just cravings of my past, and which of these choices are how I should curate my future?

My birthday is coming up soon, so I’m feeling conscious about health. Netflix makes me hungry at night so I stopped watching it for the time being, and social media drains my energy when I’m already tired so I need to not use it as a stress coping mechanism. How do I find better focus? Breathe, sleep, eat, be present?
I just know that every little action I take, every decision I make, becomes my life pattern. So every choice feels sacred these days because I feel they can become the rest of my life.

In the past, I’ve had such a busy calendar. Not to mention galas and conferences when I first began, but just going to birthdays, meeting folks up for coffee in the mornings, having dinners with friends…but also quartet at a house warming, two DJs on a boat, a chef or celebrity at a dinner party, poetry at a picnic, fairy lights on the beach, 80 oysters to shuck…sacrificing my health and sleep, somehow making time to read. But then I forget about that year and a half I spent working and studying full time, shifting…and then shortly after, pausing completely.

These days, my life feels like a slow decrescendo to a lo-fi cafe jazz bar…with an adjustable reverb of my varying awareness in the background. One of my favorite memories lately was being able to sit with a friend in the luscious outdoor garden of a cafe during a rainstorm to rest, relaxing from our terribly soggy shoes amid a miraculous lack of mosquitoes. An eye of the temporal storm. Sleepy, stuck, soggy, but serene. Friends are the people you choose to trust to hold time with you.

It reminded me of how one of my best friends and I used to meet up in Brooklyn in the mornings at a cafe just to read or write together. She and I would break our silence to catch a little coffee and listen to each others latest questions or wisdoms about life. We even did so during the winter months, biking around on little adventures. How lovely we were. Living worthy of being paused. Authentically creating the quality of our presence, allowing each other to be our selves.

I don’t know what to do for my birthday. I want to spend time with myself, but also with other people. And I thought I was going to spend it with my mom, but we mutually spoke over the phone and agreed we were both too tired to travel. I would love to bike endlessly and nap on a patch of grass, or stay home with a book. Or if I’m feeling social, I could declare an impromptu picnic with my ukulele somewhere during sunset in order to take over the night to sing and glow in the hot summer evening (my favorite type of picnic). One day, I’ll host it in the forest when it’s ready. A few friends suggested getting together, perhaps on a boat (my fave!) or on her rooftop. Another friend in the city offered me her place for the week.

Okay, I think I know what to do.
And yes, “no pressure if not”….but who are we kidding.
Your truest friends will always want you to choose what’s best for you so that they can support that version of you. But there will always be pressure if we press against the parts of the universe that matter. Pressure is natural, but definitely don’t force anything that isn’t meant to be.

But I don’t want to wait until the next time we can’t live like now.
Best text meme I’ve received all week:

And for those of you who have been supporting me…sending me likes and acknowledge of my writing…I see you. And I feel so much gratitude that you have spent your time with these thoughts along with me.
Thank you for the soft attention, and for living the way you do.

And I hope you know, no pressure if not <3.